as i'm sitting here, alone in my apartment, i spent several minutes watching the cursor blink. like a favorite pet, it was there waiting for my attention. wondering what would become of this moment...
i spend a great deal of time thinking about me. no, not in a selfish way. it's time well spent looking at my life. attempting to better understand who and what i am. where i was, where i've gone and why i ended up here. surfaces are for cocktails or areas we place things on; i tend to only see them from below, since what lies beneath them is the part i'm more curious about. i guess you could say a cake would be nothing without its sweet icing, i wouldn't. the ingredients matter, they give the cake its consistency, flavor, appearance and unforgettable smell.
like most, i spend so much of my time & life, working. to this day i still don't quite understand why we truly spend so much time doing it. yes, i'm no burnt out bulb. i know what the basic answer is but beyond that, it's far too much time wasted. so with that in mind, i get angry because it's almost unavoidable. this "life" that's around us dictates it, demands it and refuses to ask less of us. so the leftover time after the 30 or 40 hours is something i embrace with brute force.
many people have told me, "you used to be so out going" or "you haven't gone out in such a long time"...many think somethings gone wrong. in all honesty, something went right. i've recently figured out a few of my "reasons for seclusion". my profession puts me with a wide variety of people: young & old, rich or almost poor, healthy or sickly, happy or sad. it's a mix many of us can relate to. since i'm one of those "non surface" folks, i spend a great deal of thinking about them, listening to them and watching them. it is the end result of these observations that somewhat defines me.
there is much anger in side of me. beneath it, deep sorrow. a very small part of all that is simply basic depression but the majority of it belongs to far greater things. so many people are unhappy. you can see it as clear as a blue sky. i think sometimes when these screaming monsters make their presence know, some of their "reasons for unhappiness" are lagit. but are they trying to make changes in their lives? people are upset by rising costs, poor wages, health issues, poor work conditions & situations, government decisions...the list could go on. so take that, and put it inside someone who is selfish from the start. wala a.k.a. jerk.
i'm tired of all the mean people, you can't seem to avoid them anymore. screaming children. people who spend $2, 000.00 for a set of four wheels. the death of so many for one mans plan. parents who don't supervise their children. people who disrespect others. people who know the laws but think they can interpret each law to fit their personal needs. parents who are stupid; instead of screaming your child's name throughout the store, walk around and find them. people who are two feet away from a trash container but choose to toss their garbage on the ground. all the "me, me, me" people. young people in general because of their greed, their worthless existence, their obsession with material things and their need to spend almost all of their time being selfish. people who lie to gain. people who agree for the sake of not having to think about something. those who want to blend in all over. people who make mistakes and refuse to take ownership to them.
when i'm home, none of this is here. it's peaceful, quiet and comfortable. the door bell doesn't ring, the phone ringer is turned off and the volume on the answer phone is set to 1. i don't think of it as "shutting off" it's more about recognizing what's in need of repair. it's about nurtureing your heart & soul. no time to clock, no duties to manage, no sales to sell, no having to say the same intro over and over, no need to be critical or defensive, nothing to show and nothing to say.
look at what we've become...so much has gone wrong. times change but some things will never be the same. i no longer have much faith in the idea that things will get better. it's become a game of survival. i dislike games without rules and competiveness. life shouldn't be a "sporting event", it's a journey, a celebration, an adventure; one of which we are all entitled to.
i'm sad to say it's very difficult for me to be around "people" for any length of time anymore. i have no choice but to preserve my peace, stay grounded and maintain some focus. if i'm guilty of anything, it's being so protective of myself...
it's 6 a.m., the sun has begun to rise, once agin. we're lucky!
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